Left Behind
*Story contains M/M relations*
October 28, 2011
Avrel – Just landed in Japan and have literally ninety seconds before the bus leaves. Found this postcard, knew you’d love it. I mean, seriously... gotta love Japanese humour, right? Anyway, stay clean and be good, like you could ever be anything else! Haha! Luv ya!!!! – Frey
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: November 22, 2011
Subject: Got your postcard
Hope this email address still works...
Frey! Japan, buddy?
What the hell are you doing in Japan? Last I heard you were in Vancouver!?
Damn, it was nice to hear from you though! I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I ran across some pics on my desktop about a week ago – dude, remember the camping trip?! Ah well, if anyone can talk me into making a total ass of myself it’s you. Actually, come to think about it? You’re probably the ONLY one that can. =)
It’s freaking freezing here. The temp plummeted over the last three days and I’m already hating it. Remember the Ford that I used to have to fuck with to get started in the cold? Guess what? I’m still fucking with it.
Oh! I almost forgot! I was in the barn the other day and remember that corner where you hung up the poster? There’s a wee nest tucked right there. The birds are gone, of course. But it looks well-used. I dunno. Maybe I’m reading too much into it but I just got a kick out of the idea of these chirpy little things calling out for their mama with that inspirational crap posted over their heads.
Maybe now that you’re settled we can start touching base again? It’d be nice to keep in touch. No pressure, of course. I know how you get if you feel like you’re being pressured. *rolls eyes*
Seriously, dude. I miss you. Why don’t you come home?
Love forever, Avrel
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: November 25, 2011
Subject: Re: Got your postcard
I. Am. Drunk. LOL!
Got home at eight tonight. Didn’t even bother to eat. Just started pounding them back! LOL!
Anyway... I’ve been wanting to email you all week. Reply back, you know? Just couldn’t seem to find the time. Busy, busy, busy.
I was only in Japan for three weeks. I was supposed to start a job there but you know me. Things just didn’t work out. I’m back in the States now. California. But I’m thinking of heading out to Colorado. They tell me it’s nice there.
OK – your questions:
So ya, Japan. It can suck my dick.
Dude... you really, really, really need to stop using the term dude. As hot as you were at twenty-five, you’re not anymore. (Twenty-five that is.) Find a big boy word.
And hell yes, camping! You know, if you actually got your ass out of that basement once in a while you might be surprised to find out that the entire country is full of cool places. (*whispers* There’s even countries OUTSIDE of ours! I know! I know! Shocking!)
But I’ve told you that so many times already that even I’m sick of hearing it.
Get a new car. Seriously.
And my poster rocks. Don’t diss the inspiration.
You couldn’t pressure me if you tried. I am impervious to your clinging. Hahaha. And I already told you years ago. I’m not coming home. Ever. That town can kiss my ass. I’m so through with all of their bullshit and posturing that if I never read the sign that welcomes me to its Hell again, I’ll go to the grave a happy man.
Still wish you’d left with me.
I don’t have computer access much these days. I’m using a guy’s laptop here at the bar right now. But I’ll drop you my new address when I figure out what I’m doing, ok?
Fight the good fight, luv.
Frey
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: November 25, 2011
Subject: Re: Re: Got your postcard
You thought I was hot when I was twenty-five?
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: November 25, 2011
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Got your postcard
Maaaaybe... *winks*
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: December 20, 2011
Subject: Still waiting
I waited. And like usual now I’m just worried. Did you make it to Colorado? Are you doing all right? I don’t mean to prod... just let me know you’re good, ok?
I know, I know. If I spent half as much time worrying about myself as I did worrying about everyone else – I’ve heard the spiel, you don’t need to say it again.
Two words – I’m fine. That’s all I need. =(
Avrel
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: December 21, 2011
Subject: Re: Still waiting
I’m fine.
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: December 21, 2011
Subject: Re: Re: Still waiting
...
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: December 21, 2011
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Still waiting
That’s what you asked for, wasn’t it?
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: December 21, 2011
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Still waiting
You’re hilarious...
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: December 21, 2011
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Still waiting
I know, right?
________________________________________________________________
December 25, 2011
Dear Avrel,
Are you shocked shitless? I know you are! A Christmas card! With a handwritten letter nonetheless! Your little heart must just be going all floopy-floopy-flip-flop right now. Hahaha!
Merry Christmas, luv.
I’m sitting here, drinking wine, and overlooking Times Square from one of the nicest hotel rooms I’ve ever seen. Literally, I’m looking out over Times Square. OK, it’s not New Years Eve – YET. But I fully intend on staying right where I am until it’s come and gone. Got any plans yourself? (I know, stupid question. Of course you don’t.)
I’m thinking I might stay in New York for a while. The city is wild – there are people everywhere! You would freak the hell out! I can just imagine you, balled up in a corner, all wide-eyed and mumbling ... Wait a minute, for that matter you might just fit right in! Hahaha!
I had a dream about you last night. Hence the need to pull out the ol’ pen and paper and drop you a line. Remember that fort we made out back behind the school? In that patch of trees? We were in there, smoking (of course) and I wasn’t really paying attention. I just kind of noticed that your voice was getting really quiet. And I looked up and you known those old movies we used to watch really late at night? The ghost ones from like 1935? (Yes, that’s an exaggeration, don’t go off on me about dates.) Remember how they used to make the ghosts look all flickery and transparent? That’s what had happened to you. And your voice kept coming in and out from a million miles away. So I started getting angry with you. And yelling at you. You just kept going on like you didn’t even notice what I was saying. Finally I try to grab you. And you look at me all surprised. And I say to you, “You’re pretty rude you know. I came all the way out here to hang out with you and now you’re just fading away on me.”
So you look at me, confused and doing that frown thing you do. And you say, “What are you talking about Frey? I’m right here. You’re the one that’s fading.” I look down, and sure enough it’s my hands and body that are flickering and disappearing. Weird, hmm? What do you think it means? Am I dying or something? I know how good you are with that dream crap.
So it got me thinking... and hear me out on this, okay? New York isn’t that far away. What do you say about hopping on a plane, hell, drive for that matter, and come out and spend some time with me? Think about it okay? I miss you.
Have an awesome, amazing holiday season and may the New Year bring you lots of luv.
Frey
________________________________________________________________
January 2, 2012
Dear Frey,
You were right – I was totally blown away by the letter!
I can’t tell you how much I look forward to hearing from you these days. It’s funny, I never realised how much I missed you until we started talking again.
I tried to send you an email but it kept jumping back as undeliverable? Doesn’t matter, I have your address from the envelope so I figured I’d return the favour and send you back your own handwritten prose. Are you impressed?
First things first – your dream. If you really need help figuring that one out, you’re blinder than I thought. Tell you what, if you still can’t find the hidden meaning by January 27th, I’ll be sure to fill you in ... IN PERSON. No, I know, RIGHT?! I... Me... Avrel Leroux fully intends to not only leave his home, but his homeTOWN! His province! His COUNTRY! Did you hear that? It was the startled gasp of multitudes!
Two things – you’re right. I need to get the hell out of this hole more often. Before I start to drive myself mad. I was at the grocery store the other day? And this young guy started talking to me in line? Cute too, a real Frey-special had you been in the vicinity to start sniffing around him. But you know what, buddy? I had no idea what to say to him. Couldn’t even ask him if he wanted to go for coffee. I just checked my stuff, loaded the car, and sat there, with a trunk full of thawing pre-packaged meals for one, and berated myself for my fear. It has to stop.
The other thing? The real reason? I want to talk to you. Face to face. Person to person. I want to hear your voice again. And see you smile.
You wrote about the fort we built when we were little? The one by the school? I bet you didn’t know it’s gone did you? Not the fort, of course the fort is gone. But the whole damn stretch of trees and meadow. They paved it over and built townhouses on it. They knocked down all those massive pines and maples and put back these tiny little silver birches—all on identical postage stamp lawns—that all ended up dying off in two years.
I’m worried Frey. I don’t want to get knocked down and paved over by the future. I’m scared that I’m getting old and I’m starting to think that if I’m not careful I’m going to die that way.
Let’s talk about it, okay?
Send me an email if that date will work for you. I’ll go ahead and start making arrangements after I get it.
Can’t wait to see you.
Love forever, Avrel.
________________________________________________________________
RETURN TO SENDER – RECIPIENT UNKNOWN
Postmarked: January 9, 2012
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: January 13, 2012
Subject: WTF?
What the fuck Frey? Where are you?
________________________________________________________________
Your message did not reach some or all of the intended recipients.
The following recipient(s) cannot be reached:
f_fukneh@teemail.com
Sent: January 13, 2012
The e-mail account does not exist or the account has exceeded its maximum
allowance.
Check the e-mail address again, or contact the recipient directly.
________________________________________________________________
March 14, 2012
Dear Mrs. Hammell,
It’s been a long time hasn’t it? How are you? Looking forward to the spring, I’m sure. I’ll never forget how beautiful your gardens were. Out of the entire neighbourhood yours was the one to be envied. You could always tell when the good weather was on its way. Just by checking out your flowerbeds. Yours were the first in the district to break ground.
I should offer you my condolences on the late Mr. Hammell. I know the two of you really struggled the last few years as his cancer took over. I wish I could have made it to the funeral. He was an awesome man and is, no doubt, fiercely missed.
I’d like to write that I’m just sending you this note to catch up, but to be honest, I have an ulterior motive. I kind of lost of contact with Frey back in January of this year and I don’t really have a lot of options left to try and find him. While I know the two of you haven’t gotten along much in the last several years, I was hoping you would know of a way to track him down? I used to have an email address, his physical one too, but apparently neither of them are working right now.
I apologize if my request brings you any type of angst or stress. I’m sure he’s fine. You know me, always the worrier. Thanks in advance for whatever help you can offer, if any.
Yours truly,
Avrel
________________________________________________________________
March 20, 2012
Dearest Avrel,
What a delight it was to receive your letter! My goodness, but I bet it’s been over ten years hasn’t it?
I wish I could set your mind at ease, but as you stated in your letter, Frey has no use for any of us back home these days. His father was never too thrilled with the lifestyle choices that Frey made and you know more that anyone that the two of them had their fair share of blowouts over it. Frey never forgave his Dad for not being able to accept him for who he was. And he never forgave me for being too weak to defend him. I guess I can’t say that I blame him.
I have to admit, I kind of always held out hope that the two of you would get together. I know, just because you’re both gay doesn’t mean you were meant for each other. But I liked you. And I think Frey did too. If nothing else, I’m grateful that the two of you remained friends.
I do so hope the boy didn’t get himself into any trouble. He never had his head in the right place, Avrel. Never. Always chasing some dream or another, but never getting it to any fruition. My heart bleeds for him.
If I hear anything, I’ll be sure to get in touch with you right away. And if, by chance, you happen to get hold of him and you get to talk, let him know that I still love him and would be thrilled to hear from him.
Yours truly,
Joanne Hammell
________________________________________________________________
Your search – Frey Hammell, December 2011/January 2012 – did not match any documents.
Suggestions:
Make sure all words are spelled correctly.
Try different keywords.
Try more general keywords.
Try fewer keywords.
________________________________________________________________
To: general_inquiries@dermonttpropertymanagement.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: April 18, 2012
Subject: Assistance
I apologize for the following inquiry but am in urgent need of locating a person that I understand was staying in one of your properties the week between Christmas, 2011 and New Year’s 2012.
I recognize that most companies have a privacy policy in effect but if you have anything at all that could help me locate a Mr. Frey Hammell I would be forever indebted to you. Mr. Hammell is a long-time friend of mine that seems to have disappeared somewhere in and around his stay at your hotel and I’m not really sure what direction to strike off in next.
I keep my fingers crossed and my hopes bright that you’ll be able to, if not help outright, at least point me somewhere that can.
Avrel Leroux
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: corporate@dermonttpropertymanagement.com
Date: April 20, 2012
Subject: Re: Assistance
Mr. Leroux,
The corporate offices of Dermott Property Management are exceedingly sorry to hear of your recent issues in the disappearance of your friend. We are certain this is a difficult time for you. However, for the safety of our customers, and due to recent legislation enacted by the federal government, we are in the unfortunate position of being unable to assist you with any personal information regarding Mr. Frey Hammell.
Should you, of course, obtain proper legal documentation via court order we will be obligated at that point to provide you with any information, assuming that we have any.
We wish you the best of luck and speed in locating your friend.
Dermott Property Management
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 4, 2012
Subject: Home Again
My wonderful buddy,
I have just spent the most fulfilling five months of my life travelling the Tibetan mountains. Nothing has ever brought me more peace or more clarity. I have been a guest in the Potala Palace, wandered the markets of Barkhor Street and prayed in the Jokhang Temple!
I got up the morning after New Year’s Eve, tired, beaten, bruised and disillusioned with everyone and everything. There’s a price to pay for a life of overindulgence and the privilege of using someone else to experience such excess.
Let’s just say that I was bleeding from too many places I should not have been bleeding from, including my heart.
It was a lark, an idea born from overhearing a conversation in the lobby, and I didn’t give myself time to change my mind. By that afternoon I was planning a pilgrimage to the Samye Monastery.
You were the first person I thought of when I got back to Toronto. I plan on heading out to Calgary. I think I’d like to find a place where I can work with my hands and do something good for people. But I’d sure love to get together with you while I’m in Ontario. Maybe try one last time to convince you to come out with me.
Are you around this week? Can I stop in and see you?
Frey
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 4, 2012
Subject: Re: Home Again
You’re a dick Frey. Don’t email me anymore.
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 4, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: Home Again
Av? Buddy? What’s wrong? What did I do?
Whatever it was, talk to me! Please!!
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 5, 2012
Subject: Please...
Ignoring me will not make me go away. You know me better than that.
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 6, 2012
Subject: Pleeeeeeeeasssssse...
Come on, Av! Whatever this is we can talk about it! You’re not answering your phone, you’re not answering your email... what did I do?
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: You asked for it
You’re scaring me now. Unless you want me to camp out on your front lawn, email me back. I’m not kidding. Just because I don’t know where exactly you live, do not think I can’t find you. It’s a small town. People still know me.
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: You asked for it
I’m scaring YOU? Me?! You know what Frey? Fuck you!
What the hell do you think I went through while you were serenely kneeling at the sandaled feet of Tibetan monks?
You think YOU’VE paid a price for the way you live your life? Ha! That’s a joke! You’ve never experienced repercussion – you don’t even know the meaning of it! WE have. Every single one of your friends and your family. You run off and play Mr. Joe Cool while we sit back and wait for you to show up or contact us. Then we get to sit back and listen to you tell us how awesome your life is and how much ours sucks. And wonder where the fuck you got to when you up and walk away from us afterwards!
I’m sick of worrying about you!
You want to know why I don’t pick up and run after you on any of your goddamn excursions? Fine! I’ll tell you why! Because I’m scared to death I’ll wake up one morning in Shit-Lake-Wherever-the-Fuck alone and broke. You’re always waiting for the next best offer, the highest peak, the farthest reach. Well, I’m not it. I never will be. I’m just me.
Dammit Frey! You almost had me convinced last time. I almost made the leap. At least the Universe was looking out for me and pulled you out of there before I made the biggest mistake of my life.
I’m so tired of you making me feel bad. You always did. Even when we were kids. For months I’d be your best friend in the world and then something would happen, a new kid would show up in town, someone would get a new go-kart, and you’d be off and running. And who was there when the new kid’s Dad got transferred again? Or when the go-kart met its demise at the bottom of some hill? Me.
I’m tired of being the one back at home waiting for you to wise up. It hurts too much to love you Frey. I’m sorry.
Avrel
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: You asked for it
It hurts too much to love me? When have you ever been in love with me?
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 0212
Subject: Re: Re: Re: You asked for it
When haven’t I?
________________________________________________________________
Your message
To: f_fuckneh@mail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: You asked for it
was not able to be recalled.
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: You asked for it
Nice try. Too late. I already read it.
And I’m confused. Really, really fucking confused.
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject:
Answer your fucking phone.
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re:
No.
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re:
Please, Av. I don’t know what to do.
Did you mean it?
________________________________________________________________
FW to: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: FW: Re: Re:
Please say yes.
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: FW: Re: Re:
Yes.
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: FW: Re: Re:
Why didn’t you tell me?
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: FW: Re: Re:
Would it have made a difference?
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: FW: Re: Re:
Yes.
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: This is probably a big mistake
I swear to God that if you find some way to use this against me later I will KILL you.
You were always the wild one. You were never headed along the ‘right’ path. And yet I was drawn to you like some kind of magnet. You were my best friend and the coolest person I knew.
I know my previous rant sure sounds like it, but I was never jealous of you. If anything I was jealous of all the ‘its’ and ‘thems’ and ‘theys’ that held your fascination. And while I hated that they pulled you away from me, I knew there was no way I could hold you back. You enjoyed it too much.
I wrote you back in December. Told you I was coming out to see you. Told you that you were right and I had to get away from here. Told you I missed your smile.
So, yeah... Anyway...
All those sentences just to say: Yes. I’ve been in love with you since we were eight.
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: This is probably a big mistake
I’m calling a cab. I’ll be there by 9:00. Give me your address.
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: This is probably a big mistake
I could come get you? I have a car?
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: This is probably a big mistake
You hate driving in the city?...
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: This is probably a big mistake
I’ll make an exception. =)
Just promise you’ll be there.
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: This is probably a big mistake
I promise.
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject:
Is this going to be weird?
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re:
Hell yes. :P
I can’t wait.
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re:
XD
See you soon.
________________________________________________________________
Avrel – Just landed in Japan and have literally ninety seconds before the bus leaves. Found this postcard, knew you’d love it. I mean, seriously... gotta love Japanese humour, right? Anyway, stay clean and be good, like you could ever be anything else! Haha! Luv ya!!!! – Frey
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: November 22, 2011
Subject: Got your postcard
Hope this email address still works...
Frey! Japan, buddy?
What the hell are you doing in Japan? Last I heard you were in Vancouver!?
Damn, it was nice to hear from you though! I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I ran across some pics on my desktop about a week ago – dude, remember the camping trip?! Ah well, if anyone can talk me into making a total ass of myself it’s you. Actually, come to think about it? You’re probably the ONLY one that can. =)
It’s freaking freezing here. The temp plummeted over the last three days and I’m already hating it. Remember the Ford that I used to have to fuck with to get started in the cold? Guess what? I’m still fucking with it.
Oh! I almost forgot! I was in the barn the other day and remember that corner where you hung up the poster? There’s a wee nest tucked right there. The birds are gone, of course. But it looks well-used. I dunno. Maybe I’m reading too much into it but I just got a kick out of the idea of these chirpy little things calling out for their mama with that inspirational crap posted over their heads.
Maybe now that you’re settled we can start touching base again? It’d be nice to keep in touch. No pressure, of course. I know how you get if you feel like you’re being pressured. *rolls eyes*
Seriously, dude. I miss you. Why don’t you come home?
Love forever, Avrel
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: November 25, 2011
Subject: Re: Got your postcard
I. Am. Drunk. LOL!
Got home at eight tonight. Didn’t even bother to eat. Just started pounding them back! LOL!
Anyway... I’ve been wanting to email you all week. Reply back, you know? Just couldn’t seem to find the time. Busy, busy, busy.
I was only in Japan for three weeks. I was supposed to start a job there but you know me. Things just didn’t work out. I’m back in the States now. California. But I’m thinking of heading out to Colorado. They tell me it’s nice there.
OK – your questions:
So ya, Japan. It can suck my dick.
Dude... you really, really, really need to stop using the term dude. As hot as you were at twenty-five, you’re not anymore. (Twenty-five that is.) Find a big boy word.
And hell yes, camping! You know, if you actually got your ass out of that basement once in a while you might be surprised to find out that the entire country is full of cool places. (*whispers* There’s even countries OUTSIDE of ours! I know! I know! Shocking!)
But I’ve told you that so many times already that even I’m sick of hearing it.
Get a new car. Seriously.
And my poster rocks. Don’t diss the inspiration.
You couldn’t pressure me if you tried. I am impervious to your clinging. Hahaha. And I already told you years ago. I’m not coming home. Ever. That town can kiss my ass. I’m so through with all of their bullshit and posturing that if I never read the sign that welcomes me to its Hell again, I’ll go to the grave a happy man.
Still wish you’d left with me.
I don’t have computer access much these days. I’m using a guy’s laptop here at the bar right now. But I’ll drop you my new address when I figure out what I’m doing, ok?
Fight the good fight, luv.
Frey
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: November 25, 2011
Subject: Re: Re: Got your postcard
You thought I was hot when I was twenty-five?
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: November 25, 2011
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Got your postcard
Maaaaybe... *winks*
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: December 20, 2011
Subject: Still waiting
I waited. And like usual now I’m just worried. Did you make it to Colorado? Are you doing all right? I don’t mean to prod... just let me know you’re good, ok?
I know, I know. If I spent half as much time worrying about myself as I did worrying about everyone else – I’ve heard the spiel, you don’t need to say it again.
Two words – I’m fine. That’s all I need. =(
Avrel
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: December 21, 2011
Subject: Re: Still waiting
I’m fine.
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: December 21, 2011
Subject: Re: Re: Still waiting
...
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: December 21, 2011
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Still waiting
That’s what you asked for, wasn’t it?
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: December 21, 2011
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Still waiting
You’re hilarious...
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: December 21, 2011
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Still waiting
I know, right?
________________________________________________________________
December 25, 2011
Dear Avrel,
Are you shocked shitless? I know you are! A Christmas card! With a handwritten letter nonetheless! Your little heart must just be going all floopy-floopy-flip-flop right now. Hahaha!
Merry Christmas, luv.
I’m sitting here, drinking wine, and overlooking Times Square from one of the nicest hotel rooms I’ve ever seen. Literally, I’m looking out over Times Square. OK, it’s not New Years Eve – YET. But I fully intend on staying right where I am until it’s come and gone. Got any plans yourself? (I know, stupid question. Of course you don’t.)
I’m thinking I might stay in New York for a while. The city is wild – there are people everywhere! You would freak the hell out! I can just imagine you, balled up in a corner, all wide-eyed and mumbling ... Wait a minute, for that matter you might just fit right in! Hahaha!
I had a dream about you last night. Hence the need to pull out the ol’ pen and paper and drop you a line. Remember that fort we made out back behind the school? In that patch of trees? We were in there, smoking (of course) and I wasn’t really paying attention. I just kind of noticed that your voice was getting really quiet. And I looked up and you known those old movies we used to watch really late at night? The ghost ones from like 1935? (Yes, that’s an exaggeration, don’t go off on me about dates.) Remember how they used to make the ghosts look all flickery and transparent? That’s what had happened to you. And your voice kept coming in and out from a million miles away. So I started getting angry with you. And yelling at you. You just kept going on like you didn’t even notice what I was saying. Finally I try to grab you. And you look at me all surprised. And I say to you, “You’re pretty rude you know. I came all the way out here to hang out with you and now you’re just fading away on me.”
So you look at me, confused and doing that frown thing you do. And you say, “What are you talking about Frey? I’m right here. You’re the one that’s fading.” I look down, and sure enough it’s my hands and body that are flickering and disappearing. Weird, hmm? What do you think it means? Am I dying or something? I know how good you are with that dream crap.
So it got me thinking... and hear me out on this, okay? New York isn’t that far away. What do you say about hopping on a plane, hell, drive for that matter, and come out and spend some time with me? Think about it okay? I miss you.
Have an awesome, amazing holiday season and may the New Year bring you lots of luv.
Frey
________________________________________________________________
January 2, 2012
Dear Frey,
You were right – I was totally blown away by the letter!
I can’t tell you how much I look forward to hearing from you these days. It’s funny, I never realised how much I missed you until we started talking again.
I tried to send you an email but it kept jumping back as undeliverable? Doesn’t matter, I have your address from the envelope so I figured I’d return the favour and send you back your own handwritten prose. Are you impressed?
First things first – your dream. If you really need help figuring that one out, you’re blinder than I thought. Tell you what, if you still can’t find the hidden meaning by January 27th, I’ll be sure to fill you in ... IN PERSON. No, I know, RIGHT?! I... Me... Avrel Leroux fully intends to not only leave his home, but his homeTOWN! His province! His COUNTRY! Did you hear that? It was the startled gasp of multitudes!
Two things – you’re right. I need to get the hell out of this hole more often. Before I start to drive myself mad. I was at the grocery store the other day? And this young guy started talking to me in line? Cute too, a real Frey-special had you been in the vicinity to start sniffing around him. But you know what, buddy? I had no idea what to say to him. Couldn’t even ask him if he wanted to go for coffee. I just checked my stuff, loaded the car, and sat there, with a trunk full of thawing pre-packaged meals for one, and berated myself for my fear. It has to stop.
The other thing? The real reason? I want to talk to you. Face to face. Person to person. I want to hear your voice again. And see you smile.
You wrote about the fort we built when we were little? The one by the school? I bet you didn’t know it’s gone did you? Not the fort, of course the fort is gone. But the whole damn stretch of trees and meadow. They paved it over and built townhouses on it. They knocked down all those massive pines and maples and put back these tiny little silver birches—all on identical postage stamp lawns—that all ended up dying off in two years.
I’m worried Frey. I don’t want to get knocked down and paved over by the future. I’m scared that I’m getting old and I’m starting to think that if I’m not careful I’m going to die that way.
Let’s talk about it, okay?
Send me an email if that date will work for you. I’ll go ahead and start making arrangements after I get it.
Can’t wait to see you.
Love forever, Avrel.
________________________________________________________________
RETURN TO SENDER – RECIPIENT UNKNOWN
Postmarked: January 9, 2012
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: January 13, 2012
Subject: WTF?
What the fuck Frey? Where are you?
________________________________________________________________
Your message did not reach some or all of the intended recipients.
The following recipient(s) cannot be reached:
f_fukneh@teemail.com
Sent: January 13, 2012
The e-mail account does not exist or the account has exceeded its maximum
allowance.
Check the e-mail address again, or contact the recipient directly.
________________________________________________________________
March 14, 2012
Dear Mrs. Hammell,
It’s been a long time hasn’t it? How are you? Looking forward to the spring, I’m sure. I’ll never forget how beautiful your gardens were. Out of the entire neighbourhood yours was the one to be envied. You could always tell when the good weather was on its way. Just by checking out your flowerbeds. Yours were the first in the district to break ground.
I should offer you my condolences on the late Mr. Hammell. I know the two of you really struggled the last few years as his cancer took over. I wish I could have made it to the funeral. He was an awesome man and is, no doubt, fiercely missed.
I’d like to write that I’m just sending you this note to catch up, but to be honest, I have an ulterior motive. I kind of lost of contact with Frey back in January of this year and I don’t really have a lot of options left to try and find him. While I know the two of you haven’t gotten along much in the last several years, I was hoping you would know of a way to track him down? I used to have an email address, his physical one too, but apparently neither of them are working right now.
I apologize if my request brings you any type of angst or stress. I’m sure he’s fine. You know me, always the worrier. Thanks in advance for whatever help you can offer, if any.
Yours truly,
Avrel
________________________________________________________________
March 20, 2012
Dearest Avrel,
What a delight it was to receive your letter! My goodness, but I bet it’s been over ten years hasn’t it?
I wish I could set your mind at ease, but as you stated in your letter, Frey has no use for any of us back home these days. His father was never too thrilled with the lifestyle choices that Frey made and you know more that anyone that the two of them had their fair share of blowouts over it. Frey never forgave his Dad for not being able to accept him for who he was. And he never forgave me for being too weak to defend him. I guess I can’t say that I blame him.
I have to admit, I kind of always held out hope that the two of you would get together. I know, just because you’re both gay doesn’t mean you were meant for each other. But I liked you. And I think Frey did too. If nothing else, I’m grateful that the two of you remained friends.
I do so hope the boy didn’t get himself into any trouble. He never had his head in the right place, Avrel. Never. Always chasing some dream or another, but never getting it to any fruition. My heart bleeds for him.
If I hear anything, I’ll be sure to get in touch with you right away. And if, by chance, you happen to get hold of him and you get to talk, let him know that I still love him and would be thrilled to hear from him.
Yours truly,
Joanne Hammell
________________________________________________________________
Your search – Frey Hammell, December 2011/January 2012 – did not match any documents.
Suggestions:
Make sure all words are spelled correctly.
Try different keywords.
Try more general keywords.
Try fewer keywords.
________________________________________________________________
To: general_inquiries@dermonttpropertymanagement.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: April 18, 2012
Subject: Assistance
I apologize for the following inquiry but am in urgent need of locating a person that I understand was staying in one of your properties the week between Christmas, 2011 and New Year’s 2012.
I recognize that most companies have a privacy policy in effect but if you have anything at all that could help me locate a Mr. Frey Hammell I would be forever indebted to you. Mr. Hammell is a long-time friend of mine that seems to have disappeared somewhere in and around his stay at your hotel and I’m not really sure what direction to strike off in next.
I keep my fingers crossed and my hopes bright that you’ll be able to, if not help outright, at least point me somewhere that can.
Avrel Leroux
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: corporate@dermonttpropertymanagement.com
Date: April 20, 2012
Subject: Re: Assistance
Mr. Leroux,
The corporate offices of Dermott Property Management are exceedingly sorry to hear of your recent issues in the disappearance of your friend. We are certain this is a difficult time for you. However, for the safety of our customers, and due to recent legislation enacted by the federal government, we are in the unfortunate position of being unable to assist you with any personal information regarding Mr. Frey Hammell.
Should you, of course, obtain proper legal documentation via court order we will be obligated at that point to provide you with any information, assuming that we have any.
We wish you the best of luck and speed in locating your friend.
Dermott Property Management
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 4, 2012
Subject: Home Again
My wonderful buddy,
I have just spent the most fulfilling five months of my life travelling the Tibetan mountains. Nothing has ever brought me more peace or more clarity. I have been a guest in the Potala Palace, wandered the markets of Barkhor Street and prayed in the Jokhang Temple!
I got up the morning after New Year’s Eve, tired, beaten, bruised and disillusioned with everyone and everything. There’s a price to pay for a life of overindulgence and the privilege of using someone else to experience such excess.
Let’s just say that I was bleeding from too many places I should not have been bleeding from, including my heart.
It was a lark, an idea born from overhearing a conversation in the lobby, and I didn’t give myself time to change my mind. By that afternoon I was planning a pilgrimage to the Samye Monastery.
You were the first person I thought of when I got back to Toronto. I plan on heading out to Calgary. I think I’d like to find a place where I can work with my hands and do something good for people. But I’d sure love to get together with you while I’m in Ontario. Maybe try one last time to convince you to come out with me.
Are you around this week? Can I stop in and see you?
Frey
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 4, 2012
Subject: Re: Home Again
You’re a dick Frey. Don’t email me anymore.
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 4, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: Home Again
Av? Buddy? What’s wrong? What did I do?
Whatever it was, talk to me! Please!!
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 5, 2012
Subject: Please...
Ignoring me will not make me go away. You know me better than that.
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 6, 2012
Subject: Pleeeeeeeeasssssse...
Come on, Av! Whatever this is we can talk about it! You’re not answering your phone, you’re not answering your email... what did I do?
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: You asked for it
You’re scaring me now. Unless you want me to camp out on your front lawn, email me back. I’m not kidding. Just because I don’t know where exactly you live, do not think I can’t find you. It’s a small town. People still know me.
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: You asked for it
I’m scaring YOU? Me?! You know what Frey? Fuck you!
What the hell do you think I went through while you were serenely kneeling at the sandaled feet of Tibetan monks?
You think YOU’VE paid a price for the way you live your life? Ha! That’s a joke! You’ve never experienced repercussion – you don’t even know the meaning of it! WE have. Every single one of your friends and your family. You run off and play Mr. Joe Cool while we sit back and wait for you to show up or contact us. Then we get to sit back and listen to you tell us how awesome your life is and how much ours sucks. And wonder where the fuck you got to when you up and walk away from us afterwards!
I’m sick of worrying about you!
You want to know why I don’t pick up and run after you on any of your goddamn excursions? Fine! I’ll tell you why! Because I’m scared to death I’ll wake up one morning in Shit-Lake-Wherever-the-Fuck alone and broke. You’re always waiting for the next best offer, the highest peak, the farthest reach. Well, I’m not it. I never will be. I’m just me.
Dammit Frey! You almost had me convinced last time. I almost made the leap. At least the Universe was looking out for me and pulled you out of there before I made the biggest mistake of my life.
I’m so tired of you making me feel bad. You always did. Even when we were kids. For months I’d be your best friend in the world and then something would happen, a new kid would show up in town, someone would get a new go-kart, and you’d be off and running. And who was there when the new kid’s Dad got transferred again? Or when the go-kart met its demise at the bottom of some hill? Me.
I’m tired of being the one back at home waiting for you to wise up. It hurts too much to love you Frey. I’m sorry.
Avrel
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: You asked for it
It hurts too much to love me? When have you ever been in love with me?
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 0212
Subject: Re: Re: Re: You asked for it
When haven’t I?
________________________________________________________________
Your message
To: f_fuckneh@mail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: You asked for it
was not able to be recalled.
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: You asked for it
Nice try. Too late. I already read it.
And I’m confused. Really, really fucking confused.
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject:
Answer your fucking phone.
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re:
No.
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re:
Please, Av. I don’t know what to do.
Did you mean it?
________________________________________________________________
FW to: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: FW: Re: Re:
Please say yes.
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: FW: Re: Re:
Yes.
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: FW: Re: Re:
Why didn’t you tell me?
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: FW: Re: Re:
Would it have made a difference?
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: FW: Re: Re:
Yes.
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: This is probably a big mistake
I swear to God that if you find some way to use this against me later I will KILL you.
You were always the wild one. You were never headed along the ‘right’ path. And yet I was drawn to you like some kind of magnet. You were my best friend and the coolest person I knew.
I know my previous rant sure sounds like it, but I was never jealous of you. If anything I was jealous of all the ‘its’ and ‘thems’ and ‘theys’ that held your fascination. And while I hated that they pulled you away from me, I knew there was no way I could hold you back. You enjoyed it too much.
I wrote you back in December. Told you I was coming out to see you. Told you that you were right and I had to get away from here. Told you I missed your smile.
So, yeah... Anyway...
All those sentences just to say: Yes. I’ve been in love with you since we were eight.
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: This is probably a big mistake
I’m calling a cab. I’ll be there by 9:00. Give me your address.
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: This is probably a big mistake
I could come get you? I have a car?
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: This is probably a big mistake
You hate driving in the city?...
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: This is probably a big mistake
I’ll make an exception. =)
Just promise you’ll be there.
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: This is probably a big mistake
I promise.
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject:
Is this going to be weird?
________________________________________________________________
To: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
From: f_fukneh@teemail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re:
Hell yes. :P
I can’t wait.
________________________________________________________________
To: f_fukneh@teemail.com
From: avrel.leroux@mmail.com
Date: May 7, 2012
Subject: Re: Re:
XD
See you soon.
________________________________________________________________
The End
Copyright © 2011 AF Henley
No comments:
Post a Comment